The Value of Confidence
One of the most common wishes parents have for their kids is confidence, to believe in themselves and in their potential to add value in the world. Yet, there is a belief that parents don’t have much control over whether or not their children are able to build that confidence.
Confidence is an interesting thing. You need it to take on challenges and to try new things. Yet you build it by having the repetitive experience of taking on challenges and getting better over time. It’s a classic chicken and egg. Do you need to have it to succeed? Or do you get it from succeeding? Do our kids build it with our encouragement? Or do they learn it through experience?
Like the chicken and the egg, one needs the other. If building confidence is one of your parenting intentions, try these approaches:
Not yet: Pay attention to when your child says “I can’t” and respond with “Not yet.” If they hear it enough over the years, the first will automatically associate with the other. The message will be seared into their memories and act as a reminder to keep at it, even if you’re not there to say it. Try keeping a “Can’t” jar like you would a “Swear” jar where you write the thing that “can’t” be done yet and accumulate them in the jar. Dip back in over time to reflect on how those skills grow over time.
Prepare to try new things. Taking on new challenges will help build confidence, but preparing for new things is equally as important. Preparation helps build a reserve to pull on when challenged. Before your children take on a new challenge, talk through what needs to be known and done. Consider the outcomes of the challenge, and do some scenario planning to help anticipate how to react and move forward. This can be done in conversations or through written exercises, and helps build problem-solving skills as well.
Don’t help: This is the hardest thing for me as a parent. When I see my kids struggle - whether as a toddler, tween or teen - my first instinct is to move into fix-it mode. It takes real restraint to step back and say, “You’ll get through this.” Failure is the key to learning, so it’s important to think of this as a gift, even if it’s a hard one. Offering encouraging words and asking questions to help problem-solve comes first, but then it’s time to step away, and let them figure things out on their own. A helpful tool for parents is to put together a brief checklist to assess situations and decide which need solving (many may need your involvement) and which are safe to leave in the hands of your child.
Hold yourself to the same standard. Avoid the “do as I say, not as I do” approach and make sure you’re building your own confidence and belief in yourself. Nothing helps a message land stronger than modeling the behavior you want to see in your kids.
By laying this groundwork, you’ll send the message that you believe. In time, they too will believe, opening a whole world of possibility.